I confess that in 2006 I...

() stayed single for the whole year
() got your first kiss
() kissed someone new
() made-out for the first time
(x) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
() had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
(x) had a stalker
() mooned someone
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
() suffered through teenage heartbreak
() someone questioned your sexual orientation
() came out of the closet
() gotten pregnant
() gotten someone else pregnant
() gotten married
() had a divorce
(x) dated someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
() lost your true love
() lost faith in love
() kissed under mistletoe

WORK/SCHOOL
(x) got a promotion
(x) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
(x) waited until one day before to begin a project
() lost your job
() quit your job
() dated a co-worker
() dated your boss
() dated your boss' daughter/son
() got fired from your job
(x) took an honors/advanced class
(x) broke the dress code
() jacked off/fingered in class
() sent to the principles office for misbehavior
(x) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one/a few teacher you really hated
() failed a class
(x) cut class
() kicked someone in the testes
(x) skipped school
() got into a fight with a classmate
(x)did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
() gave the teachers a reason to teach
() proved yourself an idiot
() embarrassed yourself in front of the class
() fell in love with a teacher
() intentionally tripped someone --HAHA
() got lead in the school play
() made a varsity team
(X) were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) seen a live concert
(x) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
() went to a sleepover
() went camping
(x) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
(x) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) flirted shamelessly
() didn't wash your hands after using bathroom
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) broke in a line of waiting people
(x) volunteered to help out others
(x) visted a new state
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
() driven the car drunk
(X) lost something important to you
(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) lied about how old you were
(x) got a gift you adore
(x) got 'shit faced' on alcohol
() took a nude picture of yourself
() got arrested
(x) prank called someone
() saw a college football game in person
()involved in a car accident
(X)still in love
(x)had sex
()wished you died

working and dreaming and hoping and loving

6 resolutions for the new year:

1. Be happy and have more fun
2. Buy home with gabe and family
3. Live with Gabe and marry
4. Travel more and spend less
5. Get healthy again and start going to the gym
6. Study for LSATs and go to Law School!

working on life

Somethings to work on this week for example are the greenling institute applications tomorrow we work on obtaining the coro recommendation these are the things that most motivate my personal ambitions as for work I can multi task I now have to work those extra 20 hours hopefully I can save money enough to keep my projects going and to live comfortable

es interesante porque antes no era asi
estoy cambiando tenlo por seguro

ESTP - "Promotor". Action! When present, things begin to happen. Fiercely competitive. Entrepreneur. Often uses shock effect to get attention. Negotiator par excellence. 4.3% of total population.

Free Jung Word Choice Test (similar to MBTI)
personality tests by similarminds.com

ENTJ - "Field Marshall". The basic driving force and need is to lead. Tend to seek a position of responsibility and enjoys being an executive. 1.8% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (70%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Accommodation (66%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (66%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun. Emotional Stability (64%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Inquisitiveness (82%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

People I admire

I was thinking about my dream job and then I found a person who is doing just that. Luisa Cabal works at the Center for Reproductive Rights and she is the legal director for litigation at the international level. That would be my dream. And then I saw an ad idealist for:
That is something I could do
Its just how do I get there?
So let me create a path....

The International Legal Fellows will be responsible for legal and policy analysis of a variety of international reproductive rights issues. In particular, the International Legal Fellow will work under the supervision of the ILP’s Deputy Director and Legal Advisers to: conduct general legal and policy research on international law, human rights law, and foreign and comparative law, as well as on U.S. laws that impact women's reproductive rights globally; support the ILP’s international human rights litigation by developing factual records and drafting legal memoranda, pleadings and amicus briefs; draft submissions to UN and regional human rights bodies and prepare materials for major UN conferences; and research and draft Center publications for stakeholders in different regions. International travel required.

Oaxaca

Todo se habla de amor y no se que decirte. Camino en la calle y ya no oigo la voz interna tan fuerte ahora disminuida. Ay me miro caminando en las calles viejas pintadas en llamas gritando silenciosamente por revolucion. Sueño con mi querida soledad. Chanclas y Falda Larga. Corazon Libre. Recuerdas las noches en Oaxaca y la niña que me paro a hablar. Siempre viendome caminar detras de la cathedral despues de ir a ver las peliculas dirigidas por extranjeros trantandose de La Revolucion Mexicana. Pero nunca note la hija de una señora vendiendo rebozos de nube blanco. Me sente a ver los chavos zapateando y en mi corazon tenia el sonido del tambor feliz. Noche de agua de rosa aun borrosa. Y la niña me dijo: detras de mis oidos. Te he visto antes.

Senti nostalgia. La misma de esta noche en la cual le estoy extendiendole la mano invitandola otra vez a caminar conmigo y platicarme de su madre. Pienso en la violencia occurriendo ahorita en Oaxaca y me pregunto adonde estara.

thinking about the next big steps

I was wondering what I learned most about myself these past years and I came to a conclusion. I think that after life altering events in your life, one thing I have learned is not take myself for granted. I expect that from anybody else even though I really shouldn't but what the hell. I have come to this conclusion because when I have been most hurt, the reason behind all of those mixed feelings was that my feelings were taken for granted. In other words, assumptions were made about my feelings-thoughts about me that did not represent me-misunderstandings and I was not understood.

My perspective then has changed because I understand that life is fragile. I understand love as simple. I feel it and I express it. I say I love you and I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I limit my feelings and vocabulary to the essential. Life is simplified many folds at least from my perspective. I understand the complexities in the world that complicate this but I do not share it because I dont understand the need for so much drama and yet at the same time I do because I saw a need for it once.

Life tends to complicate itself and here is where confusion ensues. But then answer me: What can you do with raw and sincere love? How do you strip the bark of a tree without killing it?

Me sabe a algo sus sueños

Sueña de miel
en un jardin
de su niñez encontrada
Lo saborea en el deseo
debajo de un vaso fino de vino
rescatado de labios que le aburre
el excesso de lujuria
sabor que para el sabe a nada
no como la posibilidad
de gelato
hecho de huachinango,
rosas,
y miel adquirido
de su jardin

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politics y amor

Hey Dreamer
This is real life
Real pain and real love
Hey Dreamer
Wake up and justify
your tears and your truth

-Quetzal

adoro esta cancion

sometimes there is the subconcious

that I cannot touch and that comes out in the most in inapportune imes. como dice walt whitman. The soul travels faster than the body. I dont remember yesterday just remember a little in flashes. dont like drunken stupor usually i know my limit dont remember yesterday. good i did it with someone I loved
and trust

Of course you love a man who understands even begs of you to take a break...
this man is worth so much so mucho god i know i need to refocus but i need him
and he offers so much to me so much love a loving ear attentive to detail that I always look for (props for myself for looking so well...jeje)
too many mistakes i did too much shit i pulled off for such a loving man who only tries to understand me love me . god damn it im so fucked up

Lo extraNo y las horas son malditas y mirame escribiendo lo que siento a las 3 de la maNana por falta de sueNo porque hasta invade mis sueNos.

Favorite Poem!!!

Metzli Chingona

Only you

can paint the sky

so Mexican

become

papier maché skull

laughing in la noche

hang out como loca

with vatos and rucas

irte de vaga all night

and travel

agachadita y despacito

a sloooow yellow lowrider

cruising los boulevards

de cielos oscuros

watchala!

you're the high

heeled sugar mama

romance queen

wearing skin-tight

satin dress, singing

canciones de amor

you turn

the tide red

turn tough

illiterate cholos

into poets

circle the wombs

of women

who bleed

even lobos

hold sacred your light

lift heads up con

waauuuuuuu waauuuuuuu

you're La Poser

moon over mi raza

light outside my windo

la llema del huevo

the onion goddess

La canica de hielo

dando vuelta tras vuelta

en el cielo

you're la Party Girl

who smokes mota

and drinks too much tequila

becomes the slit

of a sleepy eye

hanging sideways

el ojo abusado

de la abuela

la ceja blanca

del viejo

la sonriza chueca

del borracho

an ivory alligator tooth

dangling

the shiny pedazo

of somebody's broken mirror

tossed into the sky

Metzli

you turn mars

into a burnt out

cigarette butt

make estrellas

look like tossed jacks

you chase away the sun

smudge his fire

like rust lipstick

against pale blue horizon

make of a rising Venus

such an envious star

From the CD Raza Spoken Here 1 ©1998 Olga Angelina García Echeverría.

10 minute. free flow out of consciousness

with no intention to make sense just trying to make my hands overwork themselves with the typing. trying to get rid of the funk that I am in burning out too quickly. dealing with what might happen tomorrow what will I feel when I see him again. Trying to understand what Iam feeling right now if when he left it was for good or if he never did. I go keep my word cuz that is what I have. Who can explain what I am feeling. I only recall a memory of running dogs chasing me and my foot stuck on the mud knowing they were going to attack me and me just stuck there ready to take it. Same feeling here. Don't know what to expect what to feel take a fucking road no need to bullshit go where the heart desires go sweetie cuz this is your life. Of course it hurts things you learn too late or too early wondering and thinking that is what Im good to do. feel I am just a body

And who am I?

And then I came along. Beautiful (although sometimes I too forget), intelligent, la peleonera, political and spiritual. Y lo seguire haciendo. I am extremely strong so strong that I allow myself to cry. I do not and will not define myself by anybody.

The world is a hyperbole of grief

Touch me in the inside and call me by my name-Toni Morrison, Belove

Te dare una receta que en algun dia me dio un viejo borracho. Lo lei, No se puede vivir sin amar. Que tiene que ver esto conmigo, le pregunte. La diabla se voltio a la Negra y ella le dijo: Probecito, todavia no ha llegado a entender. Entonces, La diabla se voltio hacia mi, dio un suspiro, Pues si como dices puedes vivir sin amor, entonces no necesitas de mi.

me pregunto

le dijimos a nuestros amigos fragmentos de la relacion que nos incomoda. Creamos nuestras historias basadas en nuestra experiencia sin concebir las possibilidades de como se sentira la otra persona por que queremos que la persona basicamente nos apoye y diga si es cierto tienes toda la razon sentirte asi. Claro nunca podran explorar el lado oscuro de la mente de otra persona pero pues asumimos que tienen uso de la razon porque son nuestros amigos.

Pero tambien perjudica, porque nadamas confirma nuestras dudas y nuestra opinion. Es facil olvidar lo importante que es otra persona y cuanto te quiere

Y lo mismo pienso de el. Quizas me ama o ha llegado a este punto en la relacion donde tiene miedo de entregarse por el miedo que siente que lo traicione y que lo deje por otra persona. Pero me dolio que me dejo ir tan facilmente.

Me recuerdo al principio de la relacion como actuaba de cool y fria. Todavia queda fragmentos de ese sentimiento uno algunas veces no quiero explorar lo que hay debajo del mar.

Pero es como el dice: mira las acciones. Yo creo que se le olvida el tiempo que pasamos juntos(en las malas cuando el esta mal) y en las buenas (que ya sabes cuales son). El tiempo que le hago por el cuando no queda 24 horas en el dia.

Veeremos
-Mari

y lo espero

lo extrano todo de el aunque no me crea pero le doy su espacio que me pidio...de veras que lo necesita. En la misma forma que yo necesito madurar en algunos respectos de como llevar una relacion siento que el necesita la experiencia de independencia.

Sabes me contigio un sentir que me encanta. El sentir de todo poder hacer y nadamas echarle ganas. Me siento bien nadamas me falta el para compartirlo. Mi nivel de productividad es impressionante! Me encanta cuando me siento asi cuando mi estima esta alta.

Ahora comienza el duro pero fructoso proceso de empoderarme de hacerme fuerte de hacerme agil porque me llena el deseo de sentir el viento en mis poros sin tener que detenerme por falta de respiracion. Si se puede!!!! Ninguna meta es imposible solo me para mis propios inhibitions

-===Marisol

y lo que paso

mucho ha cambiado y por lo menos la incertitud no se esconde y esta abierta. Y por eso las palomas han brotado de mi pecho. No se es incierto claro el sentimiento de saber que me dejo ir. Lo entiendo quizas tenga razon. Pero se arrepiente: lo se lo vi en sus ojos aquel dia. Ha cruzado en mi mente cuando lo empece a conocer que quizas yo no era la mujer que el necesitaba en este momento de nuestras vidas. Lo admito que pense que llego en un momento muy extraño en mi vida pero como todo tenia que pasar tenia que llegar en este punto preciso si no pues no fuera igual.

Pienso que nosotros hemos regresado al comienzo como cuando nos conocimos pero k esta vez esta por medio sentimientos mas complejos y maduros. Lo veo y lo oigo contradicir. tambien oigo lo mismo de mi. Me pide lealtad pero que no me cierre solo a el. Por mi cuenta es pura lealtad y honestidad.

Pero no entiendo quizas sea la inocencia y inexperiencia hablando pero no puedo ver a otros hombres la sangre no corre auque lo intente y mis ojos vean y imaginen. K no es que no lo hago pero siempre en la imaginacion no hay vida. Tendre que caminar por fuego del deseo k quizas se presente cuando me ponga mas en forma...talvez es posible...pero no encuentro la necesidad de correr en fuego una relacion para probar si se auto destruye. Retos siempre hay se presentan.

Demando una relacion completa no hay necesidad de mi parte en buscar drama
pero entiendo que hay mucho que tengo que desarollar
Entiendo que busco libertad: lo deseo y por primera vez se presenta una oportunidad
pero es mas compleja que el simple hecho de irme de mi casa
como liberacion personal por medio de esta batalla con mi misma, mis faltas mis defectos la independencia que siempre he batallado se esta empezando a definir
y no hay marcha atras

MI AMBICION era salir y emprender un viaje lleno de aventuras para llegar a casa; me propuse encontrar el hogar que había dejado tiempo atrás. No recordaba exactamente dónde estaba, pero iba en camino..."

Y que falta y que espero

y luego

Y luego le hablo a los ojos
mi manos deseando
ver como la luna surge
de sus poros
ya conozco el aroma
y me azerco
buscando la seda
entre sus labios:
una almendra

at the mac store

He looks so beautiful because even his flesh speaks poetry
Y quien me impide que lo devore


POEMA 17-NERUDA
Pensando, enredando sombras en la profunda soledad.Tú también estás lejos, ah más lejos que nadie.Pensando, soltando pájaros, desvaneciendo imágenes,enterrando lámparas.Campanario de brumas, qué lejos, allá arriba !Ahogando lamentos, moliendo esperanzas sombrías,molinero taciturno,se te viene de bruces la noche, lejos de la ciudad.
Tu presencia es ajena, extraña a mí como una cosa.Pienso, camino largamente, mi vida antes de ti.Mi vida antes de nadie, mi áspera vida.El grito frente al mar, entre las piedras,corriendo libre, loco, en el vaho del mar.La furia triste, el grito, la soledad del mar.Desbocado, violento, estirado hacia el cielo.
Tú, mujer, qué eras allí, qué raya, qué varillade ese abanico inmenso ? Estabas lejos como ahora.Incendio en el bosque ! Arde en cruces azules.Arde, arde, llamea, chispea en árboles de luz.Se derrumba, crepita. Incendio. Incendio.Y mi alma baila herida de virutas de fuego.Quién llama? Qué silencio poblado de ecos?Hora de la nostalgia, hora de la alegría, hora de la soledad,h ora mía entre todas!
Bocina en que el viento pasa cantando.Tanta pasión de llanto anudada a mi cuerpo.Sacudida de todas las raíces,asalto de todas las olas !Rodaba, alegre, triste, interminable, mi alma.
Pensando, enterrando lámparas en la profunda soledad.Quién eres tú, quién eres?

un friendly chat

Marisol: es mas que soy audaz con mi famila

me enfrento a mi papa por quedarme en tu casa

Gabriel: ellos saben que estoy dispuesto a robarte y que tengo el apoyo de mi familia.

Marisol: nope they think you are joking cuz you are right

Gabriel: ???

Marisol: mi corazon loco

mi mama solo sabe que tu estas calenturiento y prende su velita ante la virgen que se te quite

jejeje

pero lo malo es que sus rezos le estan sirviendo como aphrodisiacos jejeje

y en mi sueños te como

y luego me pongo a pensar si el sexo es nada mas un metaphor, en el gran poema que es la vida (opus, tragedy, comedy, verso), de la busqueda para encontrar algo mas en el mundo.

caminando

"And the city, now, is like a map
Of my humiliations and failures;
From this door, I have seen the twilights
And at this marble pillar I have waited in vain."
Remember the walks around the cities. Oaxaca, Mexico City, Puebla, San Cristobal, New York. Sometimes you just need the coolness embracing you as you walk into nothingness.

For a man whose personal life was often unhappy, libraries provided a kind of consolation: "I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library," he wrote in a poem


". . . I can only compare the body's single-mindedness, its cold indifference and absolute contempt for the well-being of the spirit, to some unyielding, authoritarian regime. And you can petition it all you like, offer up the most heartfelt and dignified and logical sort of appeal - and get no response at all. If anything, a kind of laugh is what you get."

Simon!~~

y luego pensando del hombre que quiero que sera mi mejor amigo mi companero mi confidante. no sera mucho que desear de una persona pero por es se establece lo que espera de una relacion no.

la otra

.y con el tiempo eso hace daño no crees. Vivir sin sorpresa hacer como un extraño sin necesidad de lastima. O si la compassion y el cariño se entrega nadamas usar un poquito para resistir el deseo de suplicar o de querer mas que de lo que es dado. Como una persona muriendose de hambre que trata de pensar en otras cosas para no pensar en lo que va a comer. Y aunque la disolusion se tan fuerte que no se pueda contener, tomarlo friamente para cubrir la alma. Pero uno no espera nada, nadamas vivir frugalmente esperando que pase

el regreso...

Oooo recuerdas...El club schizo...el individualismo/the competition/the friendship... 4 años hace la differencia....siempre con el buen humor...(well, not unless it's a really rich Russian stripper...hmmm that sounds wrong.).... oooo me recuerdo del sentimiento k uno si puede...el coraje k teniamos estabamos locas y el sentimento k todo se podia hacer. las cosas que haciemos para obtener nuestros sueños era una bonita epoca. Los nacos que nos pasaban no importaba siempre con la meta.

Paloma Negra

"tengo miedo de buscarte y de encontrarte/donde me aseguran tus amigos que te vas/hay momentos en que quisiera mejor rajarme/arrancarme ya los clavos de mi pena/pero mis ojos se mueren sin mirar tus ojos/y mi cariño con la aurora te vuelve a esperar/ya agarreste por tu cuenta la parranda....

Quiero ser libre vivir mi vida con quien yo quiera/dios dame fuerza que estoy muriendo por irlo a buscar....


Ando como alma que le lleva el diablo.... no descanso no se donde ando solamente en mi mundo perdida sin rumbo y sin fin. Es terror puro no saber donde quedas tu en la logica de todo. No entiendo porque todo regresa ahora.

"When I was a girl, it seemed that every man I met, or even heard of or whose picture I saw in the paper was my lover. I took him as my love, because it was my right. he may never have heard of me, he might have thought me hideous..he may have found me positively repulsive but I took him"


ayer me recorde de el y me pregunte k era lo k sentia y porque existio y por que motivo se cruzo en mi vida si era insignificante. Era tan ingenua no creo. Recuerdo tener mis pies en la tierra y que queria jugar con fuego. Pero quien me explica el movimiento el cambio y quien explica como cuando dijo que se iba a casar mi mundo no se destruyo en ese momento. Recuerdo las palabras y el sentimiento en mi pecho como cuando uno cay de un rollercoaster. Sali de la clase y casi vomitaba pero eso era hasta el fin. Me quede sentada mientras el explicaba quien era ella y como no era yo. El supo though que me dolio lo vio en mi cara y en mi voz cuando le lei el ultimo poema. La mujer despreciada mi voz como vino maduro. Mi risa fuerte y sarcastica ya nada me importaba. Recuerdo de lo que soñaba con el. Recuerdo el sufrir after he was gone and it flashed back to when I first saw him and knew that instant that I would regret meeting him. Los dos meses que tarde olvidandome de el y trantandome de quitarme su recuerdo de mis sueños. Alot had to do with me and how I though dorky era y soy muy apasionada y lleve las cosas un poco lejos. La primer pasion no era amor. Pues era differente con Doug que era muy dulce otra vez pero no habia muchas cosas tal como la illusion era real y sabia que con el nada. Buen amigo though pero no buscaba amigo. Buscaba pasion intelligencia y adventure. Ya es memoria que es lo bueno pero cenisas quedan. Como dice el amigo T.S. Eliot- y para revolcar los petalos de rosas secas si no podran revivir si solo queda su fragrancia.

lately

I feel like I ve been fucking up with many things the people I m with whatever. I just dont feel like I got my stuff together. Like I am out of wack or something. I dont like the person I am and yet people seem to like me. I cant tolerate myself sometimes I act like such a bitch and as a friend I forget people and as an hermana pues I suck too. Pa que decir cosas k uno no siente ser real. Como le comentaba a mi madre hoy: si no tienes el coraje para obtener lo quieres no lo desee nadamas obtengalo. Y pues creo k es el tiempo preciso para decidir. K puedo tolerar de las personas K puedo tolerar de mi mismo. K es lo k espero de mi misma. Osea ya es el tiempo yo creo me sorprendo algunas veces con la cantidad de perseverancia que yo tengo. Hice mi sueño posible y creo k puedo hacer muchos otros sueños reales. I know who I am I know what I am capable of and I can't look back. Unfortunately that makes me seem overpowering but that is my personality. I am a good strong woman pero deberia considerar la vidas de otros. trabajare en eso no. Uno mejora, no. Deep inside I am a good person too no creo k todo de mi es horrible.

Pienso de lo immediato:
1. Get my car and driver's license:
a. contact driver's licence schools
b. apartar mi dinerito para el carro y la clase
c.

unos interesting quotes

Following the ghosts is about making a contact that changes you and refashions the social relations in which you are located. It is about putting life back in where only a vague memory or a bare trace was visible to those who bothered to look
-Avery Gordon

What is remembering? Remembering brings the absent into the present, connects what is lost to what is here. Remembering draws attention to lostness and is made possible by emotions of space that open backward into a void. Memory depends upon void, as void depends upon memory to think it. Once void is thought, it can be canceled. Once memory is thought, it can be commodified.
-Anne Carson Economy of the Unlost.

sexo sin amor

One learns to recognize sex without love
there is a warmth absent- just the body
responding to the urge
unfulfilling not life affirming
a retroceding wave trying
to devour the coast
getting nowhere

then there is the body
how eyes without light
observe the object left behind
the disallusionment of an
abandoned shell
left for time immortal:
a fossilized vacant
scream in empty waters

Recollection of things learned

I wonder about many things over the past few months in my life. The decisions I have chosen to make and indeed the 360 degrees in my life that I have taken. I think about the stuff that is yet to come and I wonder if everything is going to fast for me or if I just have to catch up with the rest of the world verdad? Interestingly I have no bloody idea what I want to do with the rest of my life and yet I feel secure that I have plans set out. Educationally there is the masters that I want for myself which will then prepare me for work with law or should I go to law school and then get a masters in law. Then there is the idea of tying this work with a career which makes me consider location. I wonder if I can stay in one place if the job demands that I travel more will I have to let go would it be worth it? What would be my role being at home or being at work. Goals in a list
1. Learn how to drive
2. Find a two family home that falls less of the 500000 range.
3. Get a full time job with benefits
4. Get a car
5. pay loans/debts

Which has me thinking, about the family, their needs and wants, their illusions...its hard. And to couple that stress there is the additionaly one of marriage. "Well if you want to formalize the relationship" " when the children come"....it all implies a lot of braving the darkness.

Sometimes I feel confused....
and my friends and memories...what is happening?

about scars

Estaba pensando en la vida y un comentario de Gabriel sobre el vacio interno que deja la muerte (un tema que de hecho nosotros hemos hablado mucho) . Pero tambien queria darle merito a la vida. Perhaps I can play a devil's advocate for a minute and state that yes even life can leave an emptiness filled only by the external light that is life. I write of our stories specifically about our births and the similarities in both our mother's experiences. I think about the cool blade ever so delicately opening a channel for us that the natural birth canal could not provide. I think about the similarities that our mothers had to decide at one point in their lives to give us life or not and the implications of that. I think about the life risks only to have to deal with our lives and wonder if they ever believed that giving us life was a mistake. How deep these wounds run in their bodies. Wounds that I can still trace in the womb of my mother. Which in turn makes me think about scars. Any scar-both visible and invisible that we too carry as in our bodies as testimonies of lives lived and negated.

so i started to think a lot about what I wanted what do I really want I guess I went to Mexico to discover that and realized that it wasn't really my roots I was looking at. I want someone to listen to me and for this reason I have always loved writing because I can talk as much as I want and only as I much as I have to say without judgin myself. Here is an open ear that I so prized and so loved....perhaps my true love the one thing that I have have always kep my desire to keep writing even if sometimes I forget I still bring though to paper and I love that I can be able to do that. Because it does not judge me it does not upset me i dont have to make myself happy to feel that I have accomplished something important because I have all day. I am content with myself because ultimately I am the only person that I am accountable to. I am myself. I love the person that I am lving in . I love her for who she is even if sometimes she feels upset I love her still. I admire her for her real qualities for her contradictions and I wish I could hold myself sometimes when I am alone even with people who love me. I am not social. I want my memeories my futures I want it all. I want that liberty to have that inside me. I want to cry like I m doing right now and not have to be asked what is wrong with you and have to give an explanantion because sometimes there are not explanations for anything. And sometimes I just dont know what is going on and what I want because I am human and I dont have to have answers for every little shit in my life and because life is too precious for me to have to give any explanation for anybody. And because I can do with life whatever I want. And because its my life ultimately and yes even though I understand that you may love me and that you may care for me please give that space please give that room of my own. I m not sure why am I asking you for anything. what i am asking you is to back off from me because I have to take care of me. Love me the compassion you save for yourself in your solitude. It makes sense to me. I love that line. Sometimes we need to give each other space when in love. I need to breathe to catch wind.