Monday, October 27, 2008

New Recipe

Bacardi Watermelon Rum+ cranberry juice

"the jollyrancher"

Yo whats poppin.
sunday night
at the house
wads too tight
purse too empty
chillin home

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dialogue about Chimera's and how to relieve the burden.

So here is a conversation i started to have with myself

me: you man i got this shit going on inside me this thing called an invisible complex.

you: a what now?

me: an invisible complex, you know that shit citizen activists get when there peoples have been screwed over...ya know in solidarity you start thinking you invisible in society..similarly opressed

you: really, well you know there is different levels of oppressions but it really doesnt have to do with that right

me:you know ive been asking around. others have noticed. so far i have uncovered that part of medical..

you: ya cant deny the fact that you havent been taking care of yourself.

me: well im going to doctor, thats scheduled

you: the other part of it is that feeling you always have gotten since you were small. feeling unappreciated. it kept going on in high school. the feeling of not trying hard enough...

me: shit dont down that elevator shaft. things can get ugly up in there.

you: why do you have to carry the chimora of everybody else ya know. loved that word in poetry 101

me: fucking baudailaire that crackhead...he was funny. i appreciate a man with humor

you: keep digging deeper so far we have checked list chimora's or adding other people's burden as your own....the medical shit thats far i know you cant focus and your carrying a weight.... lets explore that weight.. what's inside that sack....i keep thinking of that sack del chavo del 8 when he was going to run away from that barril

me; in that sack is the fact that I am going to support my family financially, im supporting gabe with his immigration drama, im supporting the immigrant youth movement as a whole as an organization, in vision, i feel like i can save everybody and everything, im the person that everybody gets to dump their shit on....basically

you; how is your body feeling?

me: my body hunches over, i stop breathing, i get tired thinking, i am a know i feel like nobody is looking at this direction. Like HELLO mofo's pay attention this fucking bag is heavy.

you: what do you want that bag to do

me: i want to give away the shit inside away like santa claus. I look inside the bag and I say shit this doesnt belong to me...that's your problem mister. but you know sometimes I cant fully transfer

you: what do you mean transfer.

Me: i hang on like spoiled baby not wanting to let go. I share stuff with people so I wont let go. i do that partly because I dont feel that the other person can do it right.

you: can you clarify.

me: i dont trust other people's competence.

you: i feel it goes back to that martyr complex. You take on the work but then you wont let go. you feel like its your only way to show yourself. can i ask how can you be visible and at the same time not carry that shit.

me: its only when i trust the other piece-do i let needs to be done right.

you: is it making everyone responsible that will make you free

me: it makes me happy when there is a job well done. when there is equal distribution of duties. when everybody takes responsibility and then the burden doesnt become so hard.

you: what is something you want to carry

me: i want to carry good memories. i think of it metaphorically like my own purses.
i love the feel goodness of a light tote and carrying vegetables and other goodies like chocolate mint muffin. of having a light lunch that is satisfying. I love focusing. i love meditating...and being in wellness. very few times i approach that feeling of wholeness.

it means letting go of you sometimes. im thinking of trying this out. A list of things to do considering agenda for next 4 days. and preparation and focus. that parts of the day consider the mind, the imagination, the body/physical, the food that goes into my body. It reflects in how i feel. I feel beeeeautiful ;-)

Carry on Marisol!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

GRE: Graduate Record Examinations Information

GRE: Graduate Record Examinations Information

I am studying for my GRE

I am not sure what day to take it.

I know I have to send my applications earlier my goal is October/early November

I have to figure out what to do next.....

This is the Harvard application deadline. They need to receive the GRE test score by then.
MPP, MPP/UP, Two-Year MPA, MPA/ID January 9, 2009

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Life markers

Back in 1960, 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men under 30 had attained the five milestones that mark a transition to adulthood: “leaving home, completing one’s education, starting work, getting married and becoming a parent.” In 2000, those figures had declined to 46 percent of women and 31 percent of men. One-fifth of all 25-year-olds live with their parents. “The passage between adolescence and adulthood,” Kimmel concludes, “has ­morphed from a transitional moment to a separate life stage.”

What life markers have I achieved:
+I completed my college education, I am still going to pursue my masters and law degree in the future
+I got married (check)
+ I started working full time

-became a parent- I dont want to do this. IN FACT, I am avoiding this all together
-left home-ideally I would achieve this by the time I am 30. Hopefully I can speed this up and achieve it soon

Saturday, September 06, 2008

al final de todo

In the end, one doesn't finish mourning. The memory has the bad habit of recalling things that you don't want. Im optimistic feelings eventually die off. I've seen them being taken to the grave never to return.

Today I need a warm body. Another person. A warm cup of tea. To stand outside in the rain and get soaked. I was stupid to think that i wouldnt go through this again. dont worry about it...not for a long time. Was this all to avoid that pain.

i guess. but to keep walking and never see the end, shit like that doesnt make sense anymore. i am paying a high price. this much i owe to my own stupidity. There are a couple of things I recognize though. I recognize that I push people all the time to be something that they are not. i manipulate. i use guilt. i push people down to boost my own shitty ego. and im a bully i pick on people who i can do that to. Why the fuck cant you be where I want you to be. I am recognizing it but it doesnt change the fact it doesnt change internally. I am the same stupid fuck as I was before I recognized it. Well at least im concious that it wasnt meant to be.

I think of how I use to dance to the oldies but goodies music. I used to love the the Ronnettes and all the all-girl bands. I want my beehive hair like that. Shit. I thought that feeling was supposed to last. Damn now that I think about it that feeling was so innocent. So naive. That's the sweetness of everything. You enter new stuff with so much anticipation. Like you are a freaking 5year old standing next a Mr. Softee truck. You know I actually look forward to this stuff.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

perspectives of xicana

Some inspiring quotes and poem

Xicana means Xi-People Ca-earth-Na-Yes

People Earth Yes. What do you make of that? Being open to the earth and people. But it pains me.

“Why am I compelled to write? Because the writing saves me from this complacency I fear. Because I have no choice. Because I must keep the spirit of my revolt and myself alive. Because the world I create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not give me. By writing I put order in the world, give it a handle so I can grasp it. I write because life does not appease my appetites and hunger. I write to record what others erase when I speak, to rewrite the stories others have miswritten about me, about you.”
-Gloria Anzaldua, “Speaking in Tongues: A Letter to Third World Women Writers.”

I lack imagination you say

No. I lack language.
The language to clarify
My resistance to the literate.
Words are a war to me.
They threaten my family.. . .

My family is poor.
Poor. I can’t afford
a new ribbon. The risk
of this one is enough
to keep me moving
through it, accountable.
The repetition like my mother’s
stories retold, each time
reveals more particulars
gains more familiarity.You can’t get me in your car so fast.

Excerpt from “The Bridge Poem” by Donna Kate Rushin

I am awake now, my lover still sleeping beside me, wondering how we can blend our two worlds. How to mend the holes in our pasts, walk away bravely from the nightmares.
. . .
We both have no choice but to be survivors though the fears are still there. Whenever i see a crowd of men, my heart sinks to my feet, whenever i hear sudden noises, sudden crashing, anger, male noises, their very laughter is abrasive to my ears I shrink inside, walk close to the walls of my soul, i look for a place to hide

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

All I see is water and oil. It translates to this mess I don't understand. A get the hell out of my face. Oh no this fool didn't just say what I think. Neutrality. I use that to make friends sometimes. My experience keeps asking what the fuck makes your heart happy. When does it scream on top of her lungs boy you don't make me feel lonely anymore.

so its all related

I just switched to a new birth control pill and Im a little scared cuz the side effects described dont sound too awesome. But then I wasnt fairing so well with the Yaz cuz it affected my mood as well. It made me cold with gabe and made my dry and fria all over. Wtf? Can i get something that is not going to be messing up my body.

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