al final de todo

In the end, one doesn't finish mourning. The memory has the bad habit of recalling things that you don't want. Im optimistic feelings eventually die off. I've seen them being taken to the grave never to return.

Today I need a warm body. Another person. A warm cup of tea. To stand outside in the rain and get soaked. I was stupid to think that i wouldnt go through this again. dont worry about it...not for a long time. Was this all to avoid that pain.

i guess. but to keep walking and never see the end, shit like that doesnt make sense anymore. i am paying a high price. this much i owe to my own stupidity. There are a couple of things I recognize though. I recognize that I push people all the time to be something that they are not. i manipulate. i use guilt. i push people down to boost my own shitty ego. and im a bully i pick on people who i can do that to. Why the fuck cant you be where I want you to be. I am recognizing it but it doesnt change the fact it doesnt change internally. I am the same stupid fuck as I was before I recognized it. Well at least im concious that it wasnt meant to be.

I think of how I use to dance to the oldies but goodies music. I used to love the the Ronnettes and all the all-girl bands. I want my beehive hair like that. Shit. I thought that feeling was supposed to last. Damn now that I think about it that feeling was so innocent. So naive. That's the sweetness of everything. You enter new stuff with so much anticipation. Like you are a freaking 5year old standing next a Mr. Softee truck. You know I actually look forward to this stuff.