just feeling sad again

I am feeling sad again. Today I cleaned up my grandfather in the hospital as if he was a baby. He twisted in pain both physical and emotional. One does not imagine such things to happen. At least i wasnt expecting it. He cannot speak and he barely recognizes us. He wakes up in and out of his own darkness. My mother observes him all day. I push her to think about her life and herself. As a last resort I ask her to think about the family. Most days she is alone. Yesterday she confided in me that she cries when she eats alone.

...we gotta dance to keep from crying...

What an interesting day today...dancing and pilates....walked around...such a perfect day...drinking sangria in the park and then later a movie and then home.....


its gonna be some time before that fire inside me comes out like a note, finely perfected into a tune that I can sing to my own beat.

The body is reshaping herself. I can feel her ribs curling up in the sie of my body. I can feel the wieght of food in my body when i eat it and when ive had more than my fill. I can feel hunger and relief when eating. It feels very beautiful. yesterday, when i went to visit my grandpa at the hospital, the nurse was telling me how beautiful it feels to have a child inside of you. I thought about it on my way home but then i realized that Im not intune with my body. What makes me feel really beautiful inside?? I think that the simple processes of listening to my body and understanding its cadences is beautiful in itself. When I exercise I let my body suffer through a little stretch to wake it up. It is actually pretty joyous to feel my body change.

And touch has definately changed. Today when we made love and yesterday when we made love. I could feel that his body was willing but tired. I wrapped my self around him and my skin tingled when i rubbed next to him. my face to his face. My body has become a lot more flexible now and I feel like I could jump for joy. I have tons of energy. I feel a lot more and feel very sensual...my heart beats faster in anticipation

I look forward to strengthening my body and my heart in my own terms.. I feel like I should reward myself for taking care of myself. Stay away from dairy because it makes me super bloated and stay away from my beloved cheese. I wonder if there is anything that can replace that tangy taste. Thai food has been treating me bad ultimately. Good things are coming for my body. Good things are coming into my well being again and I very happy about that!